Talking About Christmas
A transcribed conversation with the Schneider Counseling team
What do we want to talk about in relation to Christmas stuff? We are seeing kind of this stress as a whole, and how do we best support clients during this time?
Let’s get some thoughts together here. Maybe it’s even just the importance of going into the holiday season with clients in an open mind, because sometimes I feel there can be an assumption that things are absolute chaos and that family dynamics are super wack, and sometimes they’re not, and it is more of how that’s a lot to ask for people to do and travel and just engage with people that they don’t typically engage with. I feel sometimes a client can start talking about, oh, I’m feeling nervous for this holiday and my automatic thought can be, oh, there’s a weird uncle or, you know, a dynamic of what’s going on and it’s not always the case. I mean, often it is, but sometimes it’s not. I think, off of that, there’s interesting pieces of how the holidays can be over stimulating, there’s music and bright colors and lights and lots of people talking and a lot of people in general, so I think from that side of things, it can be overstimulating or stressful in those ways, but dynamics wise, things can be tricky and sometimes it doesn’t have to be.
I still feel there’s a lot of whether they are self expectations or other expectations about, oh, I have to get everybody, the perfect gift gift on my list.
Oh my gosh yes. Or, oh, is my house Christmasy enough? Or, their house looks so much more Christmasy I’m not doing enough. Oh, that’s so true. Then especially if you’re hosting on top of that. Gotta keep up with the Joneses. And how do you support that dynamic in the space? As far as, expectations. This idea of keeping up with the Joneses with clients and obviously we’re not gonna be like, well, don’t do that, because we all compare, it’s very human. Then it’s also we know comparing doesn’t always make us feel good, or it doesn’t help. So how do you support a client through that? I think, a big part of that is awareness around what that internal narrative and dialogue is. At least for me with my clients, I’ll encourage them to kind of, be aware of that. Is this, how am I feeling about this? Is this helpful? So, I think a lot of times just having an awareness around it and being able to see and label it for what it is, right? Or, oh, are these authentic to me and who I am? Do I want to put these lights up because it brings me enjoyment and I like to look at them or is it something else? Or is it because there’s an expectation that in my neighborhood that we put up Christmas lights, you know? So do you have an awareness around that? I think the labeling is big, because I think it ties in with what we said earlier about that we have all these expectations. We know the holidays are gonna be stressful. It’s overstimulating. It just falls into a big snowball and then it just sits there with you and it is like, oh my gosh, this is gonna be a rough holiday again. Or we can, pick and label why is it rough for you, or what’s going on? So you can kind of see it’s not just this big, huge monster, it’s these other little things that build to it.
Validating in the space, too, I think is important.
Oh, totally. Giving grace to all sides. I do think that’s something that lands well with a variety of my clients as I’ve been talking through the holidays already they’re like, oh, no one’s ever told me that it’s okay. Or, my favorite thing is that two things can exist at the same time – you can be excited for the holidays to spend with your family, and you can feel anxious about it. Both of these things can be true, it doesn’t mean one is less or more than the other. And clients will be like, oh, okay, that’s great, and I just offer that space to say, it’s okay. I think that goes into parts work, right, what parts of yourself are showing up? You can hold space for all of the things and just be maybe a little more objective about it, because you’re aware and you’re seeing it for what it is, rather than having that judgment towards it.
What about tangible strategies?
What are things that you’re talking to your clients about when you’re in the moment, you’re cornered in this very uncomfortable conversation with an unsafe or uncomfortable person, and you’re panicking, what do I do in that situation? Ah yes, a good cope ahead plan, I like it…I think something I’ve offered to clients is making it okay for them to take a break. Even just being like, oh, there’s this person I haven’t talked to yet or I’m sorry, I just saw them walk into the room. Or, oh, all of a sudden, I need to go outside and grab something or whatever it is, right? But just giving yourself permission to come up with a reason, because you deserve to not feel violently uncomfortable on your holiday too. And you don’t have to make yourself super uncomfortable to make someone else comfortable. Yes, I’ve had clients with those specific things that they know that a family member is gonna ask them and rant to them about, so sometimes I like role playing with them in the session. What are you gonna say? And just kind of get them more used to how this is what it’s gonna feel like to be asked this or ranted at and how are you gonna respond? So when it happens in the moment, it’s not as big of a panic because we’ve practiced and it won’t go exactly how we practice, but we know that practice is gonna make it better. Definitely. I like that a lot. Off of that I think, you make a really valid point, if you’re able to step into a space of this, I don’t know, an uncomfortable conversation or experience in a more regulated state, you’re going to handle that in a better or more helpful way or the way that maybe you want to show up rather than just kind of having that emotional jump in the driver’s seat and being more reactive in the moment. So I think that it’s really important to be proactive in your regulation. If you feel yourself starting to build up a little bit, take it as an opportunity to go to the bathroom or if you do that one skill that really helps get you feeling regulated do that so you can go back into the space and not have to continually build. On that same trend, for CBT stuff, I do a lot of invisible mindfulness, like grounding. So it’s the idea that if you can’t get away from that situation or like somebody’s in the bathroom or anything, what can you do that people aren’t gonna really gotta be noticing that you’re taking a little break or something? I teach a lot of things such as mindful eating exercises or the classic, four two four breathing, as there’s something that they can do that might feel a little weird, but nobody’s really going to know. Yeah, definitely. I mean, the idea of even being able to do that in a conversation, and the other person has no idea, but you know that you’re reconnecting with yourself and staying grounded despite an uncomfortable situation. I’m trying to think of what else comes up tangible things wise. I feel like sometimes, I’m not sure if this is quite tangible, but kind of going in with a support network in place. You know, okay, I’m gonna have an issue with this cousin, so, you ask a family member, or a partner, if you see this, come save me. Yes, totally. I like the idea of identifying your safe people in this space, so that if things feel a little weird, you can lean on them. And if you don’t have any safe people, then leaning into more of those coping skills and things you can do in the moment that maybe not everyone has to know about. And it’s winter, so T.I.P.P. skills, going outside or if there’s snow, touching snow, hitting the cooling points on your body with it. Yes!
Afterwards, let’s talk about regulation after the fact.
The interactions that you’ve had that are tricky or difficult, and then that, also that sense of sometimes overwhelm or over stimulation from, being around all the people and doing all the things, how do we regulate ourselves after the fact? Self-care, self-care, self-care. Okay, this is a thing though, right? Self-care is such a wellused word, what does that mean? What does self care mean? I think it depends on the person, obviously, but I think doing something very intentional with yourself and for yourself and I think it can be a lot of different things. I think sometimes when the term self-care is thrown out, it’s like, oh, great, I have to go journal or I have to go read a book. Or schedule a spa day. Those are not things you have to do, sometimes I’ll tell clients who have really busy schedules and they only have 30 minutes and they like to use that to watch their favorite show, do it. Watch your favorite show, try to be very intentional and to really lean into the plot, try not to be on your phone at the same time, or doing something else, just do one activity at a time and recognize and put the meaning of, this is my time, this is my space. And watching the show counts. It does. You don’t have to go and do all these frivolous things. It’s just kind of engaging in your favorite activity for you. I think sometimes I offer extending the basics, like hygiene stuff, so maybe take a bit longer to shower and listen to music, or maybe, take a bath. Brush your teeth longer with music or a candle even these little things just taking an extra few minutes are very helpful. Totally. I also think there’s a fair amount of and you were talking about the a validation piece, earlier, but there is internal validation, like, yes, that was a hard night I got through it and I’m so proud of myself for that. Totally, yes. And even if that doesn’t land for folks to say, I’m so proud of myself, even just being like I did it…I got through it, it’s done. I don’t have another Christmas for about a year.. 365 days to recover…